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No Matter What I Choose

from 12 Months a Year by Leslie Hudson

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Being a chameleon has its advantages. I can hide, I can blend in, I can look like I belong and I'm at ease in my surroundings. But unless I carve out healthy boundaries for myself that remind me how much is too much and how far is too far, I don't even notice that I'm replacing myself with a replicant until one day I can't hide the cracks anymore.

This may sound like a peer pressure PSA, but for many neurodivergent folks it can become a way of life. I don't just mask; I can become the thing I'm imitating. Especially when I want - with everything I am - to be that thing, that person, that way.

lyrics

I know my friend likes cornflower blue
So whenever I see her I wear this dress
But when I see her brother he likes me much taller
So I always carry my heels unless
There's a drink in his hand on a Tuesday as planned
And I have to change more than my shoes

In every circumstance there's the off chance
I'm gonna lose no matter what I choose to wear

I know my friend likes biking the paths through the city
So I learn to ride along
And when I see her daughter with princesses on her
I know to get ready to sing the song
Even though I'm afraid who I am is betrayed
When I stray very far from the blues

In every circumstance there's the off chance
I'm gonna lose no matter what I choose to sing

You don't know walk-in closets until you've seen mine
A gallery of all the skins I've worn
Choices made and times I've stayed too long in some
You don't know walk-in closets until you've seen mine
A gallery of all the skins I've worn
Choices made and times I've stayed too long in some
That's why they're worn

I know the girl you met at the bar
Is someone you think you know better now
But when I see you coming I'm already changing
My hair and my clothes and my shoes and my smile
Nobody knows how I look with no clothes
Cuz I've never been naked before
And all of my mirrors and all I appear as
Are facets of hope that I'm yours

In every circumstance there's the off chance
I'm gonna lose no matter what I choose
In every circumstance there's the off chance
I'm gonna lose no matter what I choose to say
No matter what I choose to play
No matter how long I choose to stay
In every circumstance there's the off chance
I'm gonna lose no matter what I choose today

credits

from 12 Months a Year, track released July 21, 2022

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Leslie Hudson Stratford, Ontario

Leslie Hudson is a Canadian singer songwriter and pianist. Their albums range from storytelling styles to bluesy bar rock to dialed-up, full-band homages to pop culture. With lyrical piano skills and a voice that cuts through the crowd, their songs dive deep into archetype and folklore, modernizing ancient voices & shining a spotlight on the shadowy paths we walk through life, myth and media. ... more

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